December is the big gift-giving season, and for many of you, buying or making or re-gifting was part of your routine. You continued to give care to a loved one, but in addition, you made sure that there were presents for your family members, friends, your child's teacher, the mailman. Didn't have to be something large or expensive, just something to express how you feel.
Did you remember to get yourself a gift? Did you select something that you really wanted, wrap it up and tag it "From Santa"?
Probably not. We usually don't. We think about how others will feel if they don't have a present. We spend a lot of energy choosing the right gift for a friend or relative. We expect those around us to give us presents, sometimes expecting that they'll get us just the right thing, even if we haven't given them any clues or hints what that right thing may be. Many times those close to us come through, and we're delighted.
But there's nothing written in any rule book that says we can't give ourselves a gift.
Maybe it's a new basketball or electronic gadget or a sweater we've had our eye on. Maybe it's the commitment to ask our neighbor to come and stay with our elder while we go to a movie. Maybe it's a long bubble bath. Maybe it's just time to sit and watch life unfold out our window.
This is the gift-giving season and as a caregiver, you do a lot of giving all year. How about acknowledging the effort, the love, and the care?
How about giving yourself a gift?
Happy Holidays, and blessings on your caregiving!
Showing posts with label Expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Expectations. Show all posts
Monday, December 27, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Beware the SHOULD
There is one word in the English language that I'd swear is responsible for 75% of caregiver stress--SHOULD. As in, "I should visit Mom more often." Or "I should be doing more for my father." And you don't even say it aloud, but over and over in your mind. No wonder you're stressed.
And then there are the siblings of SHOULD adding another load of stress:
And then there are the siblings of SHOULD adding another load of stress:
- I ought to...
- I need to...
- I have to...
- I've got to...
- I must...
In my conversations with caregivers, I sometimes will ask "Why?" when someone shares a caregiving activity that seems overwhelming. "Why do you drive to your Mom's house every Saturday (a total of 6 hours of driving)? Your brother lives two blocks away." Answer: "Because I just HAVE to!" said with a slight whine and a plea for understanding.
Caregivers, this is not a good enough answer. This answer has a ring of martyrdom to it. If this is your answer for your caregiving, a good question to ask is, "Why am I doing this? For my parent or for me? Why does even thinking about this caring activity get me so stressed? Why do I think I HAVE to?"
Don't become a martyr. Be a caregiver. For yourself first, then your spouse, your kids, your parent. In that order.
As soon as you hear yourself (aloud or in your mind) use SHOULD or its siblings, stop. Right there. And remember SLICK:
- S = Is your parent's or someone else's Safety at risk if you don't do your SHOULD?
- L = Is you parent's or someone else's Life at risk if you don't do your SHOULD?
- I = Is your SHOULD Important to your parent's basic needs--meals, clothing, shelter, healthcare?
- C = What are the Consequences (to your parent, to your state of mind, to your family) if you don't do your SHOULD right now? (You might be surprised at how small the consequences usually are!)
- K = Can someone else--someone you Know or your parent Knows--do your SHOULD?
If you've answered Yes to any of the first three questions, then your SHOULD needs some priority and you can use C and K to decide how to fill that SHOULD. Putting some emotional energy and effort behind this SHOULD is probably a proper thing.
If you've answered No to all three SLI questions, then it's all right to take this concern out of the SHOULD bag and change your language to "I'd like to..." "I'd like to spend more time with Dad." "I'd like to get that grass cut over at Mom's house sometime in the next week." Just changing the language takes off the pressure. Again, use C and K to decide how this activity you'd like to do will fit into your schedule--or into someone else's.
Beware the SHOULD and its siblings. Ask, "Why do I feel I should...?" Remember SLICK. Change the language to "I'd like to...".
Don't let a minor SHOULD stress you out. Kick that bad guy to the curb. Save your energy for the SLI stuff in caregiving.
Did you get your mini-vacation today?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Managing Expectations
We've been discussing gathering information about your parent's circumstances so that you can plan your caregiving. Before we move to other areas of information that may need your attention, let's explore the unsettling activity of talking directly to your parent. After all, your parent knows the details of his situation better than anyone and if he is mentally alert, you should be able to glean important facts that will make a substantial difference in the care you arrange.
A recent AARP report shows that about two-thirds of Boomer women (69%) have had conversations with their parents about their ability to live inependently as they get older. But over 30% have not. An earlier AARP study on parent-adult child communications about aging states that the two most common reasons that adult children and their parents do not talk about living independently is because there is “no need” or because of “poor communications”.
If your parent doesn't live with you or you have an unsettled relationship with your parent, you may well fall into that 30%. And you likely have one of those two top reasons for not discussing care issues. Even if you've talked with your parent before, remember that "Nothing Is Set In Stone." Circumstances will change and you will need to speak with your parent again.
The “no need” reason simply does not apply. Your parent wants to stay independent as she ages—it would be easier on you, the caregiver, if she does—but without discussing the issues and concerns, she may not discover all the options that exist to maintain her independence. And without some conversation, you will have a poor idea of what your elder needs for independent living.
Communication is essential. Good communication is vital. If one of your reasons for avoiding discussion is that you have “poor communication”, now is the time to work on your communication skills and to build some bridges.
Even without heavy emotional baggage where our parents are concerned, we adult children know that our communication with our parents can be strained, especially when talking about something as stressful as quality living, illness, and death. During our next several times together, I'll be sharing some tips on talking with your parent, and I hope that you will share any techniques that have helped you break the ice about stressful topics.
Today, let me suggest that most communication with your parent is an attempt to Manage Expectations.
I write this with capital letters because it's a common business buzz phrase. To Manage Expectations is to clarify to another person what you can and can not do, what you will and will not do in a certain situation. Often, while clarifying, you must become an educator, explaining any limitations that you're under and teaching the other person selected details of your position so that they understand the boundaries you must set. Managing expectations means, most importantly, communicating your boundaries, your view, your own expectations.
Do Not Assume.
Do not assume that your parent knows how you feel, what you're prepared to do, or how you plan to arrange for care. Do not assume that you know what your parent expects from you. Unless you or your parent has obtained a divine gift for mindreading, neither of you can know each other's expectations until you get more information--from conversations, from behavior, from other observers. Your father expects that you'll visit him every day. You don't know this. Your job and family commitments make twice a week the most you can promise. He pouts. You wonder why and feel guilty. Your mother expects that you will drop everything at her phone call and come right over no matter the urgency of her concern. For you, dropping everything every time she calls will jeopardize your income. You know you need to clarify why you don't come and must find out what she really needs--perhaps more company, not necessarily yours.
Set boundaries, communicate those boundaries, stick to your decision until something changes. That's Managing Expectations.
Next time I'll share tips from other caregivers on how to manage those expectations.
Blessings on your caregiving!
A recent AARP report shows that about two-thirds of Boomer women (69%) have had conversations with their parents about their ability to live inependently as they get older. But over 30% have not. An earlier AARP study on parent-adult child communications about aging states that the two most common reasons that adult children and their parents do not talk about living independently is because there is “no need” or because of “poor communications”.
If your parent doesn't live with you or you have an unsettled relationship with your parent, you may well fall into that 30%. And you likely have one of those two top reasons for not discussing care issues. Even if you've talked with your parent before, remember that "Nothing Is Set In Stone." Circumstances will change and you will need to speak with your parent again.
The “no need” reason simply does not apply. Your parent wants to stay independent as she ages—it would be easier on you, the caregiver, if she does—but without discussing the issues and concerns, she may not discover all the options that exist to maintain her independence. And without some conversation, you will have a poor idea of what your elder needs for independent living.
Communication is essential. Good communication is vital. If one of your reasons for avoiding discussion is that you have “poor communication”, now is the time to work on your communication skills and to build some bridges.
Even without heavy emotional baggage where our parents are concerned, we adult children know that our communication with our parents can be strained, especially when talking about something as stressful as quality living, illness, and death. During our next several times together, I'll be sharing some tips on talking with your parent, and I hope that you will share any techniques that have helped you break the ice about stressful topics.
Today, let me suggest that most communication with your parent is an attempt to Manage Expectations.
I write this with capital letters because it's a common business buzz phrase. To Manage Expectations is to clarify to another person what you can and can not do, what you will and will not do in a certain situation. Often, while clarifying, you must become an educator, explaining any limitations that you're under and teaching the other person selected details of your position so that they understand the boundaries you must set. Managing expectations means, most importantly, communicating your boundaries, your view, your own expectations.
Do Not Assume.
Do not assume that your parent knows how you feel, what you're prepared to do, or how you plan to arrange for care. Do not assume that you know what your parent expects from you. Unless you or your parent has obtained a divine gift for mindreading, neither of you can know each other's expectations until you get more information--from conversations, from behavior, from other observers. Your father expects that you'll visit him every day. You don't know this. Your job and family commitments make twice a week the most you can promise. He pouts. You wonder why and feel guilty. Your mother expects that you will drop everything at her phone call and come right over no matter the urgency of her concern. For you, dropping everything every time she calls will jeopardize your income. You know you need to clarify why you don't come and must find out what she really needs--perhaps more company, not necessarily yours.
Set boundaries, communicate those boundaries, stick to your decision until something changes. That's Managing Expectations.
Next time I'll share tips from other caregivers on how to manage those expectations.
Blessings on your caregiving!
The AARP Reports
Skufca, Laura. Are Americans Talking with Their Parents About Independent Living: A 2007 Study Among Boomer Women. Research Report. AARP, November 2007.
Barrett, Linda L. Can We Talk? Families Discuss Older Parents’ Ability to Live Independently…Or Do They? Research Report. AARP, April 2001
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