Pause for a Reality Check

As caregivers--and in our other life roles--we sometimes create drama around how important our activities are. We load up on anxiety believing that if we don't accomplish something immediately or don't act right now, the whole world will fall apart. At least our little corner of it. I find myself falling into that stress-anxiety cycle, and I'm not a primary caregiver at the moment.

How do we control that anxious reaction to our situation?

I saw a recent report of research that discovered that people can control their irritated and angry reactions by asking one simple question: How important is this?

I've used this question to explore the source of my own nervousness and anxiety, but I frame it more specifically: On my personal Importance Scale of 1 to 10, 10 being imminent injury or death, how close to 10 is this situation?

We throw out the phrase "a matter of life and death" without really thinking. "A matter of life and death" is when a surgeon calls a librarian (me) and says that he is operating on a child, and he has encountered an unexpected complication in surgery. He expected and is familiar with two things he sees in the operative field, but the third is not usual. He'd like to know (right now, please) if this third condition has ever been reported in the literature. Any information would be helpful. This qualifies for a 9 or 10 on the Importance Scale.

Today's reality is that I have overbooked my schedule, want to visit a friend recovering from surgery, plan to exhibit at a local conference tomorrow and realize I may not have a car. Yes, this is all stressful, but certainly down near 1 to 3 on the Importance Scale. My anxiety often comes from pride. I like to be in control, like to be on top of things. I feel that I'm really good at time management. But life has a way of grinning and going its own way. Time for that reality check.

When your own anxiety meter starts to ratchet up (Yes, you know what it feels like. Either the tense stomach, aching shoulders, squeezing headache, or some other physical sign that is your personal symptom), your mini-vacation should be a pause to ask

"How Important Is This?"

and then use the Importance Scale to get some perspective.

Most of the time, you'll recognize that what you're trying to accomplish or solve is not so critical. A little time, a bit of adjustment on your part, a shift of your perspective will resolve the issue or show you a different way to approach it.

One small question. One small caregiver victory.

Try it. Let us know if it works for you.

Happy mini-vacation!

Consider the Empty Bowl

There is a story Sue Bender relates in her book “Everyday Sacred” of a monk who, each morning, takes his empty begging bowl in his hands and stands in the flow of crowds in the city. Whatever is put in the bowl that day—money, rice a bit of fruit—he uses for his nourishment. Each morning he begins again with an empty bowl, and each day he finds that he receives enough to live.

Each morning we are blessed with a new day. A new beginning. Whatever we did the day before, whatever decisions we made, are done. Finished. Can not be taken back.

But the new day provides the opportunity to do something new. To change the direction that we might have chosen yesterday. To begin again.

Move on. Move forward. Look back only to seek clues for how to move forward today.

Nothing is set in stone.

For each morning, you have an empty bowl.

For your mini-vacation, find a bowl in your house—any bowl. Something that reflects you. If you love to bake, perhaps a mixing bowl; if you cherish fine china, a piece from your favorite pattern; a cereal bowl that you use for breakfast. Place the bowl where you can see it and remind yourself that yesterday is past. You have an empty bowl into which to gather new gifts, new decisions, new challenges, new woes, new joys.

Maybe things are not going very well today. Mini-vacation!

Consider your empty bowl.

Remind yourself to do something different, to look at the problem from a new perspective, to seek out new advice.

Are you berating yourself for past decisions? Do you miss the present because you’re focused on the past? Can you not look at today with fresh eyes because of the past? Do you sit in judgment on yourself? Mini-vacation!

Consider your empty bowl.

Life gives you endless chances to make a new decision, change directions, take a breath. Life gives you an empty bowl.

Blessings on your caregiving day!

A Calendar a Day

One of the best items ever created for lightening the day is the Page-a-Day calendar. And I will shamelessly co-opt these handy little helpers for our Mini-vacations.

You've seen them in gift shops, book displays, and of course in those shops in the mall devoted to calendars. They're usually a standard size, about 5" X 6", just enough to display nicely on your desk, workbench or kitchen counter. And they come in a variety of topics--jokes, games, languages, quotes, inspiration, tips, pets, puzzles, comics. I'm partial to the Scrabble(TM) calendar and Dilbert comics. But I've used ones for women who do too much and scripture verses. You really can't miss with these babies.

Now I know that there are many websites and electronic versions of these page-a-day calendars. I'll even share some good websites in the future. But there's something about having a calendar in paper (you can recycle!).

A daily paper calendar reminds you that yesterday has passed, you can't see tomorrow, so your best plan is to focus on today. Rip off a page. That's right, give it some attitude. Yesterday's gone. A new day!

It would be nice if our concerns and troubles could be solved just that easily, but at least with a page-a-day calendar, you take action to separate one day from another and give yourself a pat on the pack for getting through the day just past.

If you want to browse the possibilities, go to your favorite search engine and type in "daily calendars". Skip all the entries for the government calendars of daily activities. You have enough things in your life that will raise your blood pressure. Watching state or local government move ponderously forward will not help you lower it. There are several websites that specialize in paper calendars and there you can browse and get an idea of what might suit you.

Pictures and facts about dogs. Or cats. Or fish. Music. Inspiration. Favorite TV show. Dream Cars. Fact or Crap (this is real!). Golf. Sudoku.

This is something you choose totally for you.

It's not too late to start for 2010. Find a calendar. Rip a page every day. And take time out from your caregiving to take care of you.

Blessings to you!

Get a Hug...And Then Another

A hug is an excellent mini-vacation. You connect with another living, breathing human being. A hug is warm and wonderfully supportive. A hug lets someone else care for you.

Mind you, hugs come in various varieties. So I am not advocating those wimpy embraces where a four-inch space separates you from your hug partner and everybody's elbows are poking out. Those kinds of hugs are hardly worth it. And avoid the vise-huggers. They believe that a good hug should squeeze the air out of you so you're gasping for breath and wondering how your nose got smashed against their chest.

No, my fellow caregivers, find people who will let you wrap yourself around them, move in close and hug you like they care deeply for you. You need an embrace long enough to allow time to sink into the comfort of warmth and strength. You need to feel supported, not smothered or afraid that the other person will break. Think about the child who jumps into your arms with no inhibitions, and wraps herself around you. Truly, that's the kind of hug that gives you the connection you need.

If you're short on people, a pet can offer good hug potential. Same principles apply. Goldfish? Not a good hug. Too slippery. Gerbils? Too small. Cow? Now there is some possibility if you like cows. I'm partial to dogs, but a good llama can work, too.

But really, folks, there is nothing like the hug of a spouse, a child, a friend, a family member who wraps you in love and care. Just walk right up to one of these special people and say, "I need a hug."

Nothing wrong with asking for what you really need.

Get a hug (or two or twelve) today!

Light a Candle

It's winter right now in the Northern Hemisphere and that means short days, skies of slate gray, piles of snow at times, and the tension of cabin fever crawling up your spine.

It's a time for candles.

There's a reason why February 2--in addition to being Groundhog Day, a Quarter day in the solstice calendar and a Roman festival to Pan--was called CANDLEMAS in the Christian calendar. Well, all right. The Christians took over Pan's festival and transformed the torch-lit street festivities into a more sedate candle-lit procession. They both had the right idea. In the darker days of winter, Let There Be Light! And lots of it.

You can celebrate, too, with a Candle Mini-Vacation. Any candle will do. Tiny little tea light; big, fat 3-wick; slender taper. You pick the size, the color, the scent. Put it in a safe place (out of reach of children, pets, ailing elders and wayward spouses) where you can see it. Take a deep breath...and light it.

And watch.

Notice the color of the flame. Does the flame flicker as the furnace kicks up a gentle current? Is the flame unmoving in stillness? Catch a whiff of the candle's scent or the lingering burnt tang in the air. Clear your mind of all that is pressing in at the moment and just enjoy the soothing simplicity of the candle.

Leave it burning for a while, or blow it out. Light it again later.

Until the candle has melted down to a puddle or burned away to nothing, you have instant mini-vacation. I'm heading to my matches and my cafe-au-lait pillar candle right now.

Blessings on your caregiving day!