"Time For Ourselves" Plan - Part 2

Last week I got all excited about encouraging us to make time for ourselves. I bet you could tell that I've got a lot of passion for the subject of Choices. Why? Because when I finally got the concept, it was a major revelation. There are a lot of things that we do on an unconscious level for which we don't have a choice (breathing, for one; beating heart, for another) and many decisions we make on an instinctual level based on our experience, culture, education, upbringing, preferences, and code of honor or duty. We act without thinking, but we've made the decision to act without thinking. Now when I find myself saying, "I just can't do anything else!" or "Oh, I couldn't do that", I know that it's time to examine my motivation, my reasons for acting in a certain way. Then I can make a Choice, Consciously. I may still choose to act the same way, I may choose to continue to act without thinking becasue it makes the most sense. But I'm very aware of why. It's quite empowering.

Enough soap box.

I promised I would share what I chose for my time-for-me activity. Here it is...Contra Dancing!

Contra dancing is the dancing that you see in movies based on Jane Austin when everyone gushes about going to a ball or to the assembly. You see two parallel lines of dancers who move around the lines in patterns called "figures".

I was introduced to contra dancing years ago in Michigan and went to quite a few dances. When I moved to North Carolina, I found a group that sponsors the dancing, but let the idea fade into the background.

Contra dancing has everything that we talked about last week for the activity. The group holds a dance every week. I adore dancing and the moves are easy to pick up. I love music, and I don't need a partner. Contra dancing energizes me, lifts me up and is just challenging enough that I have to clear my mind of my worries and focus on the figures. And I get some exercise. Good all around.

I've made that first choice. Did you make yours? If you need another week to decide, take the time, and when you're ready...

We're on to Step 2 of the plan: Prepare for the activity.

This week, gather what you'll need for the activity. Do you need a space cleared for your activity? Do you need equipment or supplies? Do you need to gather information or read up on a skill? Do you need particular clothing? You may need to purchase something to be ready, but it may be that you don't need to purchase anything, because you already own what you need. If so, this week you want to gather it all together, brush it off, clean it, whatever helps you prepare for the activity.

For my activity, I have to make sure that I have proper shoes for a couple of hours of strenuous dancing, comfortable clothing, and directions to the dance. I'm thinking of asking some friends to join me, so I need to contact them. So I have a bit of prep to fit in this week.

You still don't need to think about finding the time. Think instead about getting prepared and about how much pleasure you'll get from your activity.

I'll let you know how I'm doing next week. Go out and prepare!

Blessings on your caregiving...and finding time for you.

The "Time for Ourselves" Plan

I don't have the time!

I say this on a regular basis. I don't have time for a mini-vacation. I just can't get away for a few hours. Take time for me? Impossible. I sure could use a few more hours in the day.

And what would you do with those few more hours? Fill them up with tasks and activities for someone else, but not for you?

This week, I received an e-mail from Shelly Webb, the founder of The Intentional Caregiver. She's a nurse and caregiver, and she noted in her message that caregivers with whom she interacts insist that they don't have time for themselves.

Well, here's a news flash. We only get so many hours in the day. That's not going to change. Another news flash, we caregivers make CHOICES on how we'll spend our time, and--drum roll, please--we CHOOSE to put everyone else's priorities before our own well-being and health. We ALLOW requests and demands around us--from job, church, family, friends, the community--to become all important and discount our own needs. We CREATE false importance by judging everything as necessary RIGHT NOW.

Do you feel the pull of RIGHT NOW?

Part of carving out some time for yourself begins with looking critically at your situation. Does everyone you're serving (spouse, kids, parents, family and you) have what they need for survival? Food, clothing, a safe place to live, medical care? If yes, then take a breath. RIGHT NOW is under control. The rest of the giving on your list is gravy, a blessing, icing on the cake. In that "gravy time" is time for you.

Let's you and I together get that time for ourselves. There are only five steps involved:
1) Choose what you want to do for yourself.
2) Prepare for this activity.
3) Plan to insert this activity into your week.
4) Arrange for your dependents'(children, elders') care.
5) Do the activity.

Over the next four weeks, you and I are going to do one step at a time and at the end of four weeks we will be ready with time for ourselves. You may need to move faster or slower, but follow the steps in this order and you'll have a fun, relaxing activity ready to go.

So first, this week, choose what you want to do for yourself.

Don't skimp. Make this choice something that pulls at your spirit, brings you to life, peels the stress away, really lifts you up. Think of something that you will want to do at least once a week for at least 30 minutes. Maybe it's quiet time, going to a movie, a long bubble bath, shooting hoops, taking up painting, building a bird house, playing with your kids, date night with your spouse. It's got to be something that gives you a wonderful feeling and de-stresses you or you won't feel compelled to put it in your routine.

For now, I'm not asking you to consider anything about where the time is going to come from. I am asking you to consider what brings you true pleasure in life and choose at least one activity based on that.

I've already got some things in mind. Do you? I'll share what I've decided next week.

Blessings on your caregiving!

I Need a Drink!

Have you heard this or said this with enough exasperation to know that the day has been a tough one? Most of the time, this phrase refers to something with an alcoholic kick. We caregivers know that, except for an occassional glass of wine or a beer, drinking alcohol on a regular basis is not a way to care for ourselves.

No, I'm talking about taking a breather with a non-alcoholic beverage. Could be a cup of coffee, chocolate or tea. Could be a tall glass of lemonade or water with a slice of orange. Whatever beverage you prefer given the weather and your mood.

First, choose your time. I suggest a 15 minute break, so you want some quiet for that 15 minutes. Turn off your phone(s), TV, radio. The kids are at school, Mom's taking a nap, most of the office is in a meeting, you choose.

Then proceed in 3 steps: Set a place; Prepare the drink; Savor.

Set a Place
Gather a nice placemat, your favorite mug or glass (even the good china), any tableware you might need, a napkin (cloth is good, but a printed paper one would work, too). Choose a spot to sit with a nice view and set a place. This is for you, so make it special.

Prepare the Drink
Start the coffee, heat water, get ice out of the freezer, slice a lemon, whatever is needed to get that drink ready. Take your time. Be aware of your actions through each step of the preparation process. Focus on the process, take a breath.

You may get the coffee on and then set your place while it's brewing. You make the choice. Don't rush. You're not trying to get done fast; you're creating a mini-break.

Savor
At the place you've set, serve yourself your drink, then sit and savor. Don't read the paper. Don't check your e-mail or texts. Smell the aroma of the hot chocolate. Place that cool glass of ice water against your cheek. Take a sip. Feel the liquid on your tongue and sliding down your throat. If it's too hot, blow on it. If it's too cold, wrap your hands around the glass. Take your time.

Let your thoughts wander, but always come back to your drink. The beverage you prepared for yourself. Because you deserve this brief interlude. Take a breath between sips. Finish all of it. Take a deep breath. Steadily, put everything away, clean up as much as you need to. Take another breath.

Ah-h-h-h. Wasn't that great? Time to move on with your day.

Blessings on your caregiving!

Give Yourself a Gift

December is the big gift-giving season, and for many of you, buying or making or re-gifting was part of your routine. You continued to give care to a loved one, but in addition, you made sure that there were presents for your family members, friends, your child's teacher, the mailman. Didn't have to be something large or expensive, just something to express how you feel.

Did you remember to get yourself a gift? Did you select something that you really wanted, wrap it up and tag it "From Santa"?

Probably not. We usually don't. We think about how others will feel if they don't have a present. We spend a lot of energy choosing the right gift for a friend or relative. We expect those around us to give us presents, sometimes expecting that they'll get us just the right thing, even if we haven't given them any clues or hints what that right thing may be. Many times those close to us come through, and we're delighted.

But there's nothing written in any rule book that says we can't give ourselves a gift.

Maybe it's a new basketball or electronic gadget or a sweater we've had our eye on. Maybe it's the commitment to ask our neighbor to come and stay with our elder while we go to a movie. Maybe it's a long bubble bath. Maybe it's just time to sit and watch life unfold out our window.

This is the gift-giving season and as a caregiver, you do a lot of giving all year. How about acknowledging the effort, the love, and the care?

How about giving yourself a gift?

Happy Holidays, and blessings on your caregiving!

"Here We Come A-Caroling..."

Last Sunday, I joined friends at church for a Carol Sing and Pot Luck. Just a group of us around a piano with an acoustic guitar for interest, singing for all we were worth. I'm writing this while one of my favorite Christmas CDs plays in the background, and I find myself humming along. This evening while making dinner, I made a point of putting on Christmas music and singing along the whole time I was cooking.

And guess what? A very busy, stressful day turned brighter as I let myself get carried away with the music and added my own "special" rendition. Now I have the Chipmunks stuck in my head. And other beautiful, crazy, touching and funny music. Much better than anxiety over the snowy, icy weather; over what to get my father-in-law who has dementia for his community Christmas party; over too much work.

So I suggest that when your caregiving and holidays collide into near chaos, put on your favorite music and sing along. Right out loud. Go ahead, belt out the words. If you're singing Christmas carols, the rest of the family can join in. Doesn't matter if you're off key. Doesn't matter if you forget the words. You're just letting out some energy and embracing the lift singing out loud can give you.

So sing. Sing for joy. Sing for the holiday. Sing for life.

Blessings on your caregiving today.