I'm wrapping up this week of blog introduction with a reality hidden beneath the fuss and flurry that is often a caregiver's life. A reality that affects how you and your parent react to the dynamic caregiving situation you both have entered. A reality of which you may be totally unaware.
After the first months of caregiving, as I recognized that my relationship with my ailing mother was more complicated than I ever imagined, I spent a lot of time reading and talking to others about the emotional and relationship side of parentcare.
What I learned along the way was that I had bought into the Myths of Eldercare:
MYTH 1: In all families, parents and children love each other unconditionally.
MYTH 2: No matter the quality of the parenting, parents deserve a child’s unquestioning devotion, duty, love and service.
MYTH 3: Every child is obligated to care for his parents as they age.
MYTH 4: A person honors her parents only if she sacrifices her own life and mental health for the sake of the parent. Without total sacrifice, the child can not be judged as “good”.
Note the "all-or-nothing" quality of each of these myths. They are rarely stated outright and never written down. We breathe them in from our families' actions, conversations with friends, from newspapers and television. The myths invade us as easily as secondhand smoke and become a part of us. And in living, we act as if these myths were immutable laws. They become the bars of a cage, restricting the options we have in life. Often we don’t even think about what we are doing. We just act.
What are the
Facts of Eldercare?
FACT 1: Parents and children
should love each other unconditionally. But let's be honest, dysfunctional families exist. Even in "normal" families, love's depth and expression are different and different even between each parent and child.
FACT 2: Parents are human, and their love is not always given in a fair or evenhanded manner. Some parents are abusive; some have abandoned their families. Being a parent is no guarantee that a child will offer unquestioning devotion, duty, love and service. (Talk to a teenager sometime for clarification on this point.)
FACT 3: There is no contract or rule that obligates a child to care for an aging parent. The Bible says, “Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother,” but it’s vague on how to do that. In any case, you can not mandate love or respect.
FACT 4: Sacrificing your own well-being in caregiving does your parent no good. It drains precious energy away from caregiving and weakens you. To care for someone else, you must first care for yourself.
What I'm asking you to do now is to be honest with yourself. Have you accepted any or all of the myths as Truth? If you have, how might your belief in the myth affect how you talk with your parent, decide priorities in your life?
And just as important...does your
parent believe in any of the myths? Does that belief bring with it expectations that you might not be able to meet?
A counselor once told me that 80-90% of our behavior comes from the subconscious, from our instincts, from beliefs deep within us. Until we pull the myths up into our thinking, conscious decision-making brain, we will act on them instinctively, perhaps to our detriment.
What myth do you believe? Is your belief filling you with guilt or with joy in your caring? Do you need to discard that myth for something more realistic, more positive? Is your myth helpful?